God save the Queen
Schon etwas älter und nicht mehr ganz aktuell (jetzt gibt es ja den Messias), aber trotzdem spaßig.
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. ongress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - theAustralians,South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australiansfirst to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Regards,
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. ongress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - theAustralians,South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australiansfirst to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Regards,
mark793,
Freitag, 6. März 2009, 13:16
Haha, grandios! Ich kannte das nur in einer sehr verkürzten Version.
Wußten Sie übrigens, dass es eine Verschwörungstheorie gibt, wonach sich die britische Krone ihre Ex-Kolonie US of A längst wieder einverleibt habe? Die ist in bestimmten Kreisen zwar nicht ganz so populär wie die Auffassung, die USA würden bald von der UNO-gesteuerten Weltregierung okkupiert, aber immerhin. Leider kann ich ihnen auf die Schnelle keine Links liefern, die hatte ich nur in den Browser-Favoriten eines alten Rechners gespeichert, der hier längst keinen Dienst mehr tut...
Wußten Sie übrigens, dass es eine Verschwörungstheorie gibt, wonach sich die britische Krone ihre Ex-Kolonie US of A längst wieder einverleibt habe? Die ist in bestimmten Kreisen zwar nicht ganz so populär wie die Auffassung, die USA würden bald von der UNO-gesteuerten Weltregierung okkupiert, aber immerhin. Leider kann ich ihnen auf die Schnelle keine Links liefern, die hatte ich nur in den Browser-Favoriten eines alten Rechners gespeichert, der hier längst keinen Dienst mehr tut...
damenwahl,
Freitag, 6. März 2009, 20:22
Das waere mal interessant zu lesen. Wenn Sie noch einen Link finden, ich bin gespannt. Die UNO als Weltregierung ueberstrapaziert meine Phantasie. Bei internationalen Organisationen wedelt eher der Schwanz mit dem Hund, meine ich.
mark793,
Freitag, 6. März 2009, 20:47
@UNO-Paranoia: Dann haben Sie wohl nie auf den Seiten von irgendwelchen ultrachristlichen Milizspinnern aus Amiland rumgeklickt. Da wäre "new world order" ein gutes Stichwort, dem man mal nachgehen könnte.
Das mit der Kolonie USA ist etwas schwieriger. Geben Sie mir bisschen Zeit, wenn ich wieder mal mehr Luft und Mauße habe, versuche ich mal den einen oder anderen Linkpfad zu rekonstruieren. Auf jeden Fall gibt es auch eine Theorie-Variante, nach der sich der Vatikan und das britische Königshaus in Konkurrenzkampf um die Kontrolle über die USA befinden.
Das klingt reichlich abgefahren, aber wenn man sich mal ein Stück weit auf ein paar konspirologische Prämissen einlässt, sieht es manchmal so aus, als würden die Puzzleteile tatsächlich zusammenpassen. Das ist das eigentlich Gefährliche an diesen Theorien...
Das mit der Kolonie USA ist etwas schwieriger. Geben Sie mir bisschen Zeit, wenn ich wieder mal mehr Luft und Mauße habe, versuche ich mal den einen oder anderen Linkpfad zu rekonstruieren. Auf jeden Fall gibt es auch eine Theorie-Variante, nach der sich der Vatikan und das britische Königshaus in Konkurrenzkampf um die Kontrolle über die USA befinden.
Das klingt reichlich abgefahren, aber wenn man sich mal ein Stück weit auf ein paar konspirologische Prämissen einlässt, sieht es manchmal so aus, als würden die Puzzleteile tatsächlich zusammenpassen. Das ist das eigentlich Gefährliche an diesen Theorien...